What's Left?

You were right, you know. Earlier, when you told me I wasn’t ready to trust… and I got all defensive, told you that you were wrong, reminding you that I was plenty capable of trusting when the environment was trust-worthy. Yeah! But look at me now, after a long day of working job 1 then more fun at job 2, eating my carb-free dinner, ruminating. My tears show me, yeah, you were right.

What’s left?

You know, after “you”, and “you”, and “you”, and “you”?

What’s left after I listened to “your” words and trusted, and listened to more of “your” words and trusted only to be bruised soon thereafter. After “you” told me I was but a flower on a hike… to be exchanged at the first sign of better; after I bought “your” display of greatness hook-line-and-sinker, only to find it was just a display; after “you” threatened my life with your rage; after “you“picked at everything that was beautiful about us until we were an ugly festering sore.

What’s left?

I don’t blame “you”. After all, “you” did what “you” had to do. “Your” life and experience cannot be compared to anyone else’s and “you” were not alone in the relationship. I was by your side and I too am not perfect. But alas, cause-and-effect is life’s pedagogic whip, and some of it's lashings are still fresh upon my back. Healing occurs slowly, much too slowly. Please forgive my nervousness, my hesitations, my questions, my tears. The well is deep and drenched and not even close to dry so there will be more.

What's left?

Please be my friend. Please be patient because I am healing and learning and growing into something rubbed smooth and shiny and calm. I cannot rush the process, I cannot give more, some days I can barely give what I give. Yet, there is something beautiful here. She is aware and listening to her, she is awake and listening to “you”, she is attuned to the deep desire within herself and there will be beauty. Someday, there will be beauty. Please be my friend.