Silent

I thought this would heal and whole me

But cracked me open instead

Unlike I had hoped

Exposed and left raw to myself

A view I didn’t want to see

There nonetheless

Turning inside

Rolling in the roiling

Up for air, down for breath

The sonorous drum still echoing deep

Silence… silent please

Floating still, and quiet, and watching the turbid clear

Not so frightened

Beginning to see

What's Left?

You were right, you know. Earlier, when you told me I wasn’t ready to trust… and I got all defensive, told you that you were wrong, reminding you that I was plenty capable of trusting when the environment was trust-worthy. Yeah! But look at me now, after a long day of working job 1 then more fun at job 2, eating my carb-free dinner, ruminating. My tears show me, yeah, you were right.

What’s left?

You know, after “you”, and “you”, and “you”, and “you”?

What’s left after I listened to “your” words and trusted, and listened to more of “your” words and trusted only to be bruised soon thereafter. After “you” told me I was but a flower on a hike… to be exchanged at the first sign of better; after I bought “your” display of greatness hook-line-and-sinker, only to find it was just a display; after “you” threatened my life with your rage; after “you“picked at everything that was beautiful about us until we were an ugly festering sore.

What’s left?

I don’t blame “you”. After all, “you” did what “you” had to do. “Your” life and experience cannot be compared to anyone else’s and “you” were not alone in the relationship. I was by your side and I too am not perfect. But alas, cause-and-effect is life’s pedagogic whip, and some of it's lashings are still fresh upon my back. Healing occurs slowly, much too slowly. Please forgive my nervousness, my hesitations, my questions, my tears. The well is deep and drenched and not even close to dry so there will be more.

What's left?

Please be my friend. Please be patient because I am healing and learning and growing into something rubbed smooth and shiny and calm. I cannot rush the process, I cannot give more, some days I can barely give what I give. Yet, there is something beautiful here. She is aware and listening to her, she is awake and listening to “you”, she is attuned to the deep desire within herself and there will be beauty. Someday, there will be beauty. Please be my friend.

Continuing On

Here we go, stay tuned (talking to myself here)... onward.

Fitting Pieces

Since my last blog entry, the world I live in has changed and shifted. Moving to Utah has been a big deal, creating peace and and stress simultaneously the way some life-altering events can do during a reinvention phase. Because there is so much to say, I'm not going to give the traditional update; If you're close to me, you already know that stuff anyway.

Lately, much of my concentration has focused on instilling real meaning into my world; a Herculean task, I believe, if it's to be accomplished truthfully. Fact: life throws much at us of which we have little or no control. These events are as inevitable as change itself so I will deal with them as necessary and because I don't live inside of a hermetically sealed bubble, I expect the unexpected to occur. The kinds of events I can exercise control over and edit liberally, however, are entirely different.

My attention focuses on events placed by my own hand. Think of life as a mind-twisting puzzle, one of those with extra pieces that don't belong. These pieces, carefully disguised, have the potential to delay progress and encourage throwing in the towel. To reach the goal of successful puzzle completion the steps are simple; find a "false" piece, remove it and continue placing "real" pieces. The more successful you are at identifying what doesn't fit into your puzzle/life, the more likely you will reach your goal.

So, as I examine my world, and progress toward achievement (inherently, my goal has no finish line), I recognize that what I include is as important as the goal itself. Those things I accept, attitudes I hold and people I choose to trust are integrated into my life and I want to incorporate them into my puzzle; if something is not an honest fit, it's my responsibility to place it aside. I have become less tolerant of that/those which/who bring disquiet and unease to my life and have less trouble placing them aside than I did years ago. Age and experience has created a more discriminating me and personally, I like this evolution.

I wouldn't presume to say we have total control over our destination if we only get rid of the bad bits. We find ourselves, from time to time, in places we had no intention of going because wedges have very thin edges and don't hurt when they begin to cleave. In my existence, however, I choose to become more honestly aware of life, what brings happiness, what heart and mind respond to (intellectually and spiritually) and adjust as necessary.

During my reinvention, I owe myself no less.

enough said

The Sky is the Limit

I am amazed at how many skies a person can see in a day. Some are happy, some are sad, some angry but edged with bits of heaven. On a long drive yesterday, I caught glimpses of all these emotions in a single afternoon of blue, white and gray and was in awe. Nature humbles me and as I get older, the humbling gets greater.

So I contemplate (no surprise there) and recognize how much variation there is in our own lives. I have gone through seasons with varying degrees of success, happiness, despair and realization and the common thread throughout it all is that it's my life... my sky. Life changes with undulating rhythms and I am OK with that now. It is a continual progression without start or finish line and I am up to the challenge of floating to the surface instead of sinking to the depths. Onward and upward to a peace colored with blue and white and as I strive toward this brilliant sky, all the gray will be that much easier to deal with.

Inspiration?

I'm in the mood to blog tonight... but can't seem to formulate what to say. Too much to say? Too little time? Blogger's block? Meh, who knows.